Smoking Platypus

sitting here 5/13/98 5:00am alone…..another night consumed by this passion that does not make sense….something that has become all so real and yet I allow it to consume me time and time again this addiction in so many ways has become so much of everything and anything I know it….I know the end of the story so well…it always starts so well then again so much pain, I sit here in the basement with my drugs knowing they have become the source of my downfall the root of all that has hindered me.. the culture is my easy escape.. my hope to try and find my pathetic role in some strange universe, a coward to face the world that lays before me, I have chosen to obstruct everything that is honest only to seek and find which is not, the world of the addict is desperate and in so much I have found my power, I have made my ego so reliant upon the addictions of others the curiosity of the many who want to find the other things that they know are there… the drug world is so much and it is so brutally little, it is a escape at first but it becomes the cage it surrounds with the lies that binds it all together, the people in urgency must intrust in each other that this is the only way to be happy…. nothing wrong, the political and the social reasons.. the drugs always have advocates…. it is not the drugs it is the myhtology that surrounds the entire circle, you fall…. I have explored the reaches of this abyss and I know that it must end in order for me to contnue but the immediate of the automatic feelings seems to hold me time and time again….. I know I could be so much more, but being the king of the junkies is always easy for me, providing me with some security, the story does not get better the partys do not get funner……….

where to start…..

okay I think alcohol probably started around 13 and has been with since
I have tried: thc,coccaine,ectacy,mushrooms,ghb,lsd,ketamine,uppers,downers,meth, and probaly others I do not remember right now.. I have spent over 5 years in prisons for drugs but somehow… I sit here again so involved with them again, I am consumed by them……….

I need to find the courage to change all of this
I need to understand my mortality
I need to fill this emptiness that so holds me

drugs work
the get you high, they take you away…… I have had so much and had so little….. I must change

the courage to understand my mistakes to break away from this world I helped to create, to admit that I have wounded so many people because of my selfish addiction..I have sold the dream so many times…..

true happiness can only lay in the world of truth… drugs have taken the truth from me… I have allowed them to control me…..beacause I lacked the courage to face my inevitable goals

I will make it thru this time…I must…..I know I could be so much more than this has brought me……